Well, I think we found Doug’s imperfection: he has a vagina. “I never make the first move.” Come on, Dougy! No wonder you have not been kissed in months. Don’t you know women rarely make the first move? They should, but that would be unladylike.
This issue kept popping up over and over again in last night’s episode of ‘The Bachelorette,’ and I could tell Emily was getting frustrated with the guys. Doug turned bright red, and you could see him internally fighting the urge to kiss her, trying to respect his self-imposed rules. And then, there was the young, skateboarder Jef. This was the second time he had her on the beach and he didn’t lean in for a kiss. Instead, he opted to cut their time together short. Obviously, Emily felt rejected because these guys wouldn’t just go for it.
As a woman who has worked with thousands of men and helped them learn how to attract, date and be with the women of their dreams, I know how high-pressured and challenging making that first move can be. Just like us ladies, men don’t want to get rejected and they don’t want to be jerks. One of my clients said to me, “I’m not sure how to balance being a respectful gentleman and being aggressive sexually. I know women want both, but it doesn’t feel right to push myself on a woman.” This fear is pretty common. Especially in good men.
I know Emily was doing her best to help the guys out by giving them “kiss me” signals, but sometimes, these signs were a little too subtle for men to pick up. If she were one of the boys on ‘The Bachelor‘ she would have seen the signs instantly, but men are different. Ladies, you have to step it up a notch and help men understand when you’re ready and want a kiss.
I have put together a list of not-so-subtle things you can do to maintain your dignity and still let your date know that you want to be kissed:
Not-So-Subtle Signal #1: Touch a man. My sister-in-law called me a few weeks ago from the bathroom while on a date. She said, “Marni, you gotta help me. My date won’t stop talking. I really like him, but he won’t stop. What do I do?” I told her that he is probably nervous or worried about having awkward silence. I recommended that she go back to the table, and while he is talking, put her hand softly on his forearm, making eye contact and smiling. She called me after the date and told me that my advice worked. They are now a couple!
Not-So-Subtle Signal #2: Open up. Many women stop themselves from being kissed because of their body language: arms crossed, lips pursed, not talking a lot. I understand that this behavior can be caused by nerves, but imagine how that appears to a man sitting across the table from you. He’s not a mind reader. So show him you are open to being kissed by uncrossing your arms, making eye contact, smiling and leaning towards him. If you are nervous, announce the elephant in the room and just tell him how you feel.
Not-So-Subtle Signal #3: Step into his space and tell him what you’re thinking. I know we all dream of a strong man assertively grabbing and kissing us, but with really good guys, that is rarely going to happen, especially in the beginning of the relationship. At the end of the night, if you want a kiss, step in close to him and rub his upper arm. Flutter your eyelashes and lick your lips; tell him that you like him and want to get to know him better. This approach takes out all the guesswork for a guy. With this move, you have stroked his ego. He knows he won you over, and now, he can make his move.
Not-So-Subtle Signal #4: Truthfully, this one is not so obvious, but you should give it a try: tell him you want to kiss him. Say it in a feminine, soft tone, and you’ll still feel like the woman in the scenario. He’ll probably be nervous, but he’ll make it happen for sure.
To make it easier on the lovely men you date, follow these guidelines, and I guarantee you will leave feeling more fulfilled and less frustrated after a date. Instead, you’ll be in the afterglow of the first kiss. Let’s hope Emily starts to use these tips as well!
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